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It seems there is a pandemic spreading across the English-speaking world in regard to the proper use of one of the simplest and most innocent characters in our language, the humble apostrophe.

Authorities are so greatly concerned with the public’s complete ignorance that I feel compelled to give you all a refresher. Here, then, is a simple primer on how to use basic fucking grammar, you illiterate morons.

CONTRACTION:

The cat’s out of the bag. [correct]

POSSESSIVE:

Example: The cat’s feet are also out of the bag. [ALSO correct]

PLURAL:

Example: The cat’s are out of the bag.

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! You blithering IDIOT!!!

SOME VERY POPULAR, BUT HORRIBLY INCORRECT USAGE RULES:

I. “When pluralizing a word that ends with a vowel, use an apostrophe”

[Examples: taco’s, burrito’s, latte’s, tomato’s, etc]

WRONGAMUNDO!!!!!

II. “When pluralizing any other word, add an apostrophe.”

Examples: Kitty’s, car’s, VCR’s, DVD’s, mp3’s

HELL NO! What are you, brain dead?!?!?

III. “Add an apostrophe whenever you want.”

ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT!!!!

I hope this friendly reminder has helped to clear things up for you. Just imagine how much money you’ll be saving on ink by eliminating all those unnecessary apostrophes. In fact, you can consider this your personal contribution to a greener planet.

Thank you for your participation.

– Christian
Honorary Fellow,
Apostrophe Preservation Society*

*(After my original posting of this blog some years ago, I was awarded an honorary fellowship by the chair of the Apostrophe Preservation Society, UK)

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