For the past year or so, every time we all meet out for drinks or dinner in “couples mode”, Johnny the Greek, one of our friends, always shows up to meet us with a different, new, seriously plain-jane looking girl. This just looks really odd. It’s Chicago and the dating pool isn’t exactly running thin. Hell, they ship fresh meat in every day. We’re overrun with single people. Plus, Johnny’s really good looking. Wait. Stop. Before you get your v-string in a twist and bitch at me about being the shallow prick, you’d better listen to the rest of the story.

One night, we finally asked him what the hell was up. Here’s how it all went down…

The Inverted Pyramid Theory
(courtesy of Johnny The Greek)

The Cast:
“Stinky” Chavez
Johnny Russian
Johnny the Greek (aka “Yanni”)
Eddie
Cookie
Christian

As all of the guys sat around one night, pounding back a few bottles of Grey Goose in one of the private rooms down at the Victor Hotel – an ultralounge, not an actual hotel – and bullshitting incessently about manly conquests, Eddie finally bit the bullet and inquired about the proverbial elephant in the room: the quantity, and especially the quality (or lack thereof) of Johnny’s dates.

So, Johnny stood up and laid it all out for us like John Madden with a big fat
magic marker on a white board. Waving his arms in the air and gesturing wildly, he explained that 80% of men in this city are scrambling, falling all over themselves, acting like idiots while competing for the top 20% of women. They’ll chase after them, spend their last dime on them, get crapped on and jerked around by them and still keep on coming back for more.

BUT…

If one were merely to invert the pyramid -turn the tables around- he’d have 4x as many women scrambling after him. Johnny had decided to test his dubiously brilliant theory about 6 months earlier and it had made all the difference in his hit rate. As a result, without lifting a finger, without even trying, without hardly spending a dime and with little to no competition, Johnny was getting more tail than all the Lipizzaner Stallions combined; more ass than an O’Hare toilet seat; more cooch than… well, you get the picture: Johnny was bagging a TON of pussy, both literally and figuratively.

Personally, I wasn’t sure what to make of Johnny’s Inverted Pyramid Theory. At that particular moment, looking around at the guys nodding in deep understanding of vaginal macroeconomics, I wasn’t even all that sure I even wanted to be a guy anymore. Finally, when I exclaimed “Who cares how much pussy you reign in?!?” they all looked at me like I was absolutely insane, so I figured I should just shut up and drink. Having been raised by women, I tend not to see eye-to-eye with my gender on several fronts. Also, having been raised by women, I’m good at shutting up and letting them do the talking.

I’m still a little confused on the intent and motivations surrounding the Inverted Pyramid Theory, but I have since resigned myself to the fact that I would definitely not make a good Greek. I think my heart might be in the wrong place.

Obviously, the Inverted Pyramid Theory, or nearly any theory for that matter, can be applied in the dating game by either sex.

What’s your take on this? Date up and accept the high-risk venture with the possibility of crapping out? Date down and rake in low-hanging, highly appreciative fruit by the bushel basket?

Advertisements