I know we’ve never met, but I understand you’re to marry my wife.  Just thought you’d like to know a few things:

She’s rather particular about her coffee.  Grande skim no-foam latte with two tubes of raw sugar, not the white stuff.  If she’s squirrelly and smiling or very tired, make it a half-caf; if she’s irritated or aggravated, make it a decaf.  Don’t ask her if she wants one or how she wants it; just get it and bring it to her.  Asking her just ruins the surprise and that’s the part she loves the most.

When you brush her hair for her while watching movies or TV, make sure you start at the ends and begin very gently, ensuring that you work the snarls out slowly rather than tugging through them.  Her mother did it wrong when she was young and it makes her irritable.  Once you get to the base, go over and over the scalp.  She loves this feeling.  It calms her down and makes her happy.  Do it long enough and it’ll put her to sleep.

She doesn’t like the taste of strong booze or beer and she never knows what cocktail to order, so don’t leave it up to her, because it gives her anxiety and she never will be able to decide.  If she says she wants a cocktail instead of wine, just order her a top-shelf gin with pineapple juice and a splash of grenadine.  Tall, on the rocks.   She doesn’t even know what they are, but she loves them.  Leaving her to squirm over a drink menu for 20 minutes will definitely take the “happy” out of her happy hour.

She likes her yolks runny, but do make sure the white is fully-cooked.  Whenever possible, use bacon grease rather than butter when cooking her eggs.  It reminds her of her grandmother and makes her smile.  Just tilt the pan slightly and spoon the hot grease up over the egg to cook the tops.

Place a fresh bottle of water on her nightstand every night.  She always wakes up thirsty in the middle of the night and she’ll lay there all night thirsty rather than risk getting cold feet while fetching a glass of water.  That simple bottle of water says “I love you, even in my sleep.”

Don’t buy her roses.  Ever.  They require about as much thought as breathing and blinking do.  Lilies are far more beautiful and it’s nearly impossible to run out of varieties.  Although it is somewhat mandatory to buy flowers for Valentine’s Day, birthdays and anniversaries, these are not at all what make actually her feel special.  If you truly wish to make her feel special, then buy them on any random weekday for no reason whatsoever in order to remind her that she – not the day – is a special occasion.

Always keep a little goose-down throw and pillow in the car, especially in winter.  No matter how warm the heater is, she will always be chilly.  Tuck her into her seat and she’ll sleep comfortably for as long as you wish to drive.

Don’t ever ask why she removes everything from the kitchen cupboards, washes the insides of the cabinets and reorganizes all the items on such a regular basis.   It’s what she does for stress relief and helps her to feel that she’s in control of her life.  Instead, simply give her a kiss on the forhead and ask if there’s anything you can pick up for her while you’re out, then leave her alone and give her space.  It’ll all be put back within an hour or two and her anxiety will be gone.

When her stomach hurts, lie in bed with her and rub it gently for her.  counter-clockwise works much better than clockwise and within 30 minutes it will go away.

Whenever you walk together, hold her hand.  It makes her feel secure.  Always walk on the outside/street side of the sidewalk.  Don’t ask.  It’s a cultural thing.  Ladies walk on the inside.  Always.

When you massage her back, don’t be afraid to be firm and dig in.  She’s a lot tougher than she lets on, there’s a whole bunch of anxiety in there and she’ll definitely let you know if you’re not doing it hard enough.

Whenever possible, do not let her carry a single shopping bag, open a door or put her own coat on.  She will tease you and chide you about being old-fashioned, but she secretly loves it and would miss it terribly and feel less appreciated if you actually stopped.

Finally, when you go to sleep at night, let her curl up in your armpit with her head on your chest.  Your heartbeat will help her to sleep.  If she’s having trouble, massage her scalp and play with her hair.  In 15 minutes, she’ll slip into her dreams and, if you’ve done as instructed above, those dreams will surely be of you.

 

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