Just a note to a friend who “lost” her abusive prick of a boyfriend to another woman. Thought I’d share…

Christina-

Sounds like you’ve been through some hell lately. Sorry to hear that. I just wanted to lend you a bit of clarity during the storm.

Any man who needs to hurt you or to make you jealous is afraid. Afraid he’s not good enough for you (and if he acts like that he most certainly isn’t). Afraid he’s not attractive enough for you. Afraid he’s not smart enough, successful enough… or damn near anything else you can think of.

It’s FEAR. Plain and simple. Any man who had confidence in himself — any man who was self-assured — would be lifting you up, not tearing you down so that you wouldn’t feel worthy of his love and attention. Even more importantly, you don’t feel worthy of anyone else’s attention, either. Then he’s not so afraid of losing you anymore… for where could you possibly go once your confidence and self-esteem have been shattered?

What then? What good is a woman then, when you make her LESS than she was… when you destroy what attracted you to her in the first place, out of fear that another man may discover such treasure, too and want it for himself? I’ll tell you what happens then. You go out and find another one and do the same damn thing to her. And the next. And the next…. and leave a wake of them competing and pining over you sorry ass when you never deserved a damn one of them in the first place.

Don’t allow this, Christina. Don’t be that “stupid girl”. Better to lose a lover than love a loser… and you most certainly did the latter. You’re incredibly beautiful. You’re very bright and, from what I can see, you’re deeper than whale turds. I love reading about your spirituality. Any man would be most fortunate to have your love…. even an hour of your attention. Don’t let him or any other man warp your mind… and don’t ever again say that the other woman “won”. It’s only a competition if YOU play the game, too. You’ll learn very quickly that if you flat-out refuse to play, they go away and play their abusive games elsewhere with other miserable people, leaving you with room in your life for good people and giving yourself a chance and the time to find happiness.

So, I hope you will set the bar in your life. “This is the minimum acceptable in order to be in Christina’s life.” Set that thing high, too. Make a whole damn list. Anyone that doesn’t hit the mark can’t remain in your world. You’ll make room for people who CAN hit that mark…. and you’ll be one very happy lady… and keep on getting happier as time goes on. Think about it.

I’ll be honest with you: now and then, in the beginning, there are moments of loneliness once you’ve cleared out all the crap… but you have to ask yourself, “is this not preferable to being abused? To bruises or tears? Do I truly want and need attention THAT badly, even if it’s bad attention?” Hell no, you don’t… and the good people fill in the gaps soon enough.

So forget about the other woman. But first… call her up and thank her for taking out the trash.

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